Apple Eating!: For those who aren't "there" & anybody who's sick of the earthquake/nuclear stuff. (translated)

***日本語はこっち、こっちのが良い文章だよ。w

http://nomoregaman.blogspot.com/2011/03/blog-post.html

**March 13, 2011/ English translation, March 14th (writings get aged so often, what the fuck?)

*I suggest that you watch my favorite YouTube video rather than reading my stuff or watching my video because I understand it is too long, whiny, and may trigger you.

（http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar6fz4H8Whw ）

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My loved ones in Japan are affected by the earthquakes, and by the following nuclear meltdown.

Far away from Japan, here in Oakland California, I am exposed to different sets of information than folks in Japan are. My personal concern at this point is not about the earthquakes, but rather the on-going nuclear pollution.

I read "Japanese are doing great and inherently disciplined to Gaman (coping/ persevering /enduring)" in many media, everyday. This excludes so many people in Japan who are not “Japanese” or are in difficult socio-economic situations, and cannot gaman, yet this suppresses people’s ability to articulate “I can’t take it anymore”. It is very similar to how the media portrayed 9/11 during and after the time of crisis, emphasizing how "resilient" New Yorkers were, putting all energy toward "staying strong", which silenced many voices underneath.

I am suffering by the fact that I am not "there". If I tell my worries or flood them with information, it exhausts my loved ones, or they have to laugh me off by saying "It's okay. Don't worry too much because you aren't here!"

Everybody asks me if "my friends and families are alright?". Even if I can affirm this question because my biological or legitimate family and friends are alright, it excludes so many other people who are part of my social context, so it hurts to say the word "family" or "safe". There are people who are not legitimately acknowledged by Japanese or other governments. The feelings of how I existed there are part of my muscle-memory. This whole thing cannot be explained by the number of casualty, victims, existence as organisms, or the scenery of torn-down buildings.

Media portrays and legitimizes the area around Fukushima Nuclear Power Reactor as ground zero, the only place of devastation. Affected by the media portrayal, many people in Tokyo or south west seem to operate as if they are not in devastation. Consequently, I drove myself attempting to "stay strong" and "resilient". I was trapped as if I were not worthy of suffering or traumatized at this moment besides my nationality, or whether my families are safe.

But if I accepted the thought, then I would see no horizon in it. Everything would be blurred from my sights like a thick fog because I lose my actual or potential friends and allies that I adore, am fond of, and care for... people without citizenship, street people without houses or traveling, Zainichi folks, unemployed, hikikomori, suicidals, sex workers, people who attempted to kill themselves, co-workers whom I smoked with on the way back home, a guy who hit on me on Tokyu Denentoshi-line (and ended up giving me his cute old dog, he called himself "Chiquita, just like a Banana'), immigrants, non-heterosexuals, trans, people from the church, music, trees, the ocean, fish, rice........

I cannot be "resilient", and I cannot "stay strong” at this moment.

I am in so much pain and so exhausted, as if I were "there" at the very place. My body that lived a life "there" feels the flux of the place, changing its dimension and forms at every second. My body feels like it is floating. I cannot move, sleep, too much thinking or stopped thinking....I realize that I suppress myself only to either fake smile or cry. I lay in my bed but I cannot feel sleepy. When I wake up, my body accumulates all the tears that I could not cry. I feel very heated, physically and literally. I feel as if my body is synchronizing with the nuclear reactor "there".

I made a decision to claim the very fact that I cannot be "resilient" or "stay strong" as a legitimate casualty. I made a decision that if one is in pain in their own survival, or if one has any pain, I would resist ranking who is more "worthy" to claim or own the pain. This is maybe a long-term trauma, or maybe-perhaps-probably just an overreaction. I honestly do not know what to think.

However, I want to take back my own body and soul that acquired this on-going pain. This pain cannot be categorized in a word like "ground zero".

For now, I made a YouTube video. This is not necessarily for everybody. I am sending this to my mother who is shaken in the extreme flood of information, and is exhausted from overexposure to the things that she is not used to nor wishes to see. I send this video to my friends who are studying abroad, and a specific friend who hasn't been out of his messy house (not really due to the earthquake) for decades. On top of all, I made this for myself. This was the only thing that I could do today.

My beloved housemates and a guest who happened to be there are involved in the production. The one behind the green hat is Miriam, my best friend, who used to work in Japan. Miriam said "I don't know what to do. I think I cannot contribute very much because I don't know enough." Of course I shut her up because I believe that Miriam is also experiencing the incidents, as a person who takes care of me when I am in crisis.

I told everybody "Don't make sad or sincere faces, people everywhere saw enough of it. They didn’t even broadcast the usual aerobics on TV from March 12". I ate too much apple from our rehearsal. And believe me, I was really eating and biting apples to cope with this terrible depression. It was a great apple diet.

I intended to emancipate myself from forcing myself to mourn or smile. I want to feel that I am alive now. Depending on your situation, you might say "What the heck, damn you, privileged Californians! You don't know what real pain is!" I cannot blame you because I cannot know your pain.

I am looking for some other coping methods too!

Please please let me know if you have any idea, or just if you want to make your YouTube debut.